Poetry - January 2023

Thank You Seatfrog

It can be so expensive these days
To travel by train in first class
And the price when you book tickets
Really is a pain in the ass
But step forward two inventors
Who worked out what to do
And managed to make their tech work
It's all available to you
So if you use the app called Seatfrog
You can bid for an upgrade
Which is handy if you have a ticket
For standard class already paid
It means if you win that first class
Is less costly than you might think
And think of all the nice things
Including breakfast, and plenty to drink
I did it twice over Christmas
Which meant that my total spend
Was half the price of what first class was
So the upgrade is my friend
So I'd like to thank you Seatfrog
For making comfort affordable
And you should check it out too
If you'd like your journey more wonderful.

(Doing the maths on my Christmas journey, London to Manchester was £35 standard advance plus £35 first class Seatfrog upgrade - £70. First class advance with Avanti - £139. Easy win really if you win out on Seatfrog isn't it?)

Festive Football Faff

The satanic fixture planners
Who sit in the Premier League HQ
Must be thinking of maximising things
For all that television revenue
So a game on New Year's Eve at 5.30pm
With little chance of a train back home
Meaning more traffic on the congested A23
Is just not where Arsenal fans want to roam
Surely it would have made more sense
To have an earlier New Years Eve kick off
Then play games on the Bank Holiday Monday
So that people can attend more of
But spreading them out all over the place
With train strikes especially incoming
Shows no consideration for fans at all
And leaves everyone just wondering
How much their custom is valued
When they attend every single game
But they're the last to be considered
In the festive football faff of shame.

(Too much mucking around of the Christmas and New Year fixtures this year, especially as clubs only had players back soon after the World Cup. A much kinder list for all teams was needed, but money talks sadly.)

At A Standstill

Trains idle in their depot sheds
No one available to move them
The stations appear so eerie
A concrete void of nothingness
The tracks are just desolate
With the sound of the birds alone
The countryside feels undisturbed
With no noise from anything passing
There's a standoff in our midst
As no one can seem to resolve things
So everyone just all seems stranded
As the holes being dug get deeper
It's clearly the fault of Government
Who tied in all conditions to a deal
Which just adds to the ire of the workers
To make them dig further their heels
The trains still idle in their sheds
As the sun rises over the metal roof
They stand with nothing to run
And with a sense of aloneness
The stations are closed with shutters down
No one is allowed in or out
The shops on the outside try to survive
But really do seem so empty
The countryside remains peaceful
No hum on the electric wires
With a sense that nothing will move
As the pastures grow in the shires
Finally the tracks are just metal
With nothing passing over
And it really feels like it's all ruined
And for the trains, potentially game over.

(This week's train strikes will really feel like everything is at a standstill - but let's be clear, Government interference made it worse rather than resolve anything. The sense of desolation and nothing is what they want you to feel to blame the workers instead.)

No More Sausage Roll Songs

For the last five Christmasses past
There's been one constant thing to know
That inevitably the insufferable LadBaby
Will be number one with his wife in tow
The songs are just parodies of classics
With new words written instead
Where Weird Al Yankovic has nailed that format
And that really needed to be said
So it's every year tugging at the heart strings
Claiming it's all for the Trussell Trust
But does anyone wonder just what that figure is
Why doesn't he ever tell us how much?
And why are there companies in Companies House
Registered in LadBaby's name
With accounts showing over a million pounds in
Does he really have no shame?
One thing's for sure he may break records
But there's no talent to this dross
It really makes me wonder how much
The music industry gives a toss.

(Note: you can verify this at Companies House by looking up LadBaby's real name as a director. Hmm.)

New Year Cat Haiku

Brian wants cuddles
He gets on the bed and waits
For Mummy to fuss!

(Brian the cat of course loves sharing the bed with his Mummy, and wants plenty of cuddles and fusses along the way, as he should have!)