Poetry - March 2006

The North Wind Doth Blow

And so the rhyme says that the north wind doth blow
When it does, that we shall have lots of snow
But the only whiteness I can see for myself
Is the whiteness of the eyes and the weather's in good health
I've seen other parts of the country get all white
Which make driving conditions rather hazardous at night
But if the north wind blowing meant snow was due
Then why is it bone dry here, with nothing to do
Except hope that the whiteness descends upon us all
So that we can spend time playing with a big snowball
And manage to get stranded in drifts two feet high
Work is impossible to get to, so it's a day off for I.

(Seems everywhere bar Manchester has had snow at the moment....)

Terminal Frustration

He sits at the keyboard
Knowing he has to make
Fifteen hundred records an hour
Keying in numerically fast
But minimising all possible errors
And hoping he just gets noticed
So that someone else can take him
Away from this dull job
The frustration is plain to see
As he looks into the green screen
That he just wants to do something better
That doesn't just rely on keyboard presses
And getting a headache
From this badly ventilated room
Day in day out, it's all the same
Is this all he really wishes for?

(I used to do data input myself - what a boring job, guess someone has to do it..)


I too could lose weight the easy way
And not tell anyone how I did it
All the hours of exercise and eating
Sensibly just isn't doing it for me
So what I might do is go off somewhere
And come back a brand new person
But because I'm going on reality TV
And they've forbidden me from such operations
I just won't tell anyone about it
And tighten the fitting when I need to
This means I can still eat when I want
And I should still lose the pounds
So everyone thinks I'm doing so well
But just who am I really kidding?

(Yes, Anne Diamond, this means you!)

Fiona's Fashion Faux-pas

When I wake up in the morning
It's usually to the channel three
Because there's Penny and John
On the news hour of GMTV
But at five to seven the moment I dread
As another presenter enters the studio
It's Fiona Phillips, more so while Kate's off
And her dresses just make me want to go..
Urgh! What is that lime and black stripe
Down the middle of this orange blouse
Or a dress that fits tightly around the breasts
To try and get some males aroused
And then there's the jumpers in bright pink
That makes you want to go back to sleep
Someone call Trinny and Susannah right now
And get Fiona's fashion on the scrap heap!

(If you've ever watched GMTV, all the other female presenters dress well, Kate, Penny, the two weather girls Andrea and Clare, but Fiona is just a mess most mornings...)

Spring Is In The Air Haiku

Spring is in the air
Lots of flowers growing here
But not one to smell
It's still too cold here
The snow is coming down hard
You can't see nothing.

(Says it all...)