Poetry - December 2005

I Believe In Giving Presents

They said it'll be easier online
To find all the presents you want
But after months of waiting
You get out of stock from Amazon
They said that no one shops no more
And that your local centre is dead
But walk down Market Street Saturday aft
And it's a sight you see filled with dread
I believe in giving presents
Much better to be nice this year
Rather than just say I want, I want
And then being upset and shedding tears
I believe in careful planning
Making sure I find what I like
Because there's always one present that's hard
To find, like a new mountain bike.

(Well it's December, and I think listening to certain Christmas songs has had a bit of an influence to this.)

Little Britain Isn't That Funny Anymore

For the first series it was really very good
A sketch inspired comedy show
That looked at the odd people in Britain
In a very different and unique way
In the second series the new characters were fine
But then there were those Women's Institude ladies
And throwing up every time isn't sensible
No wonder the real women were so offended
And now into series three
It's been decided to concentrate on the gross out
Rather than the characters that made the show good
People have real incontinence problems
They don't want to see it ridiculed on the TV
And definitely not in a way that makes them feel stupid
The line has been crossed and they can't go back
And somehow I won't be buying the DVD of this one.

(Victim of its own success? You decide. Certainly I wasn't as bothered watching this series as the last couple, to be perfectly honest.)

There's Only One Tanya Byron

Another week in the house of tiny tearaways
Three new families with children and problems
But it's all in a day's work for Tanya Byron
I don't know how she manages to do her job
There's so much enthusiasm for all the children
There's so much compassion and empathy for the parents
And above all she's consummately professional
Dealing with the problem head on
Showing the parents the right way to do things
Including the now famous method of time out
And as I watch by the end of the week
With the families being able to carry on their lives
Showing that a bit of help does go a long way
I always wonder just one tiny thing
When she gets home at night and is with her family
Do her children time her out if she's a bit naughty?

(I love the House of Tiny Tearaways on BBC3, and Tanya Byron is just so wonderful on it - don't just take my word for it though - ask any of the parents who've been on the show.)

Christmas Number One? It Won't Be Me

Everyone asks the question
At this particular time of year
Just who will be Christmas number one
To lots of people it really matters
That they have some kind of prestige
By reaching the top slot in December
Even if the song's not about the time of year
Just to throw everyone slightly
But I know it won't be me
I can't sing for a start
Although that's never stopped the X-Factor contestants
And I have a feeling they might make it
And it won't be me because the songs I sing
Wouldn't be the ones to cheer people up
And everyone would be depressed on the 25th
And yours truly would be to blame.

(If you've ever been unlucky enough to hear me sing, you'll know what I mean...)

Quizteam Aguilera

We will win the quiz
We are the best quiz team here
Resistance is none!

(Be warned - we'll hit your town one day...)